Mixed feelings between Parents and me

Sometimes, I feel quite distant from my family.

My parents are good parents in this society. I don't know how other parents are like.
I am grateful that they raised me, taught me, take care of me, share their point of view with me.
When they don't try to control me.
I also know, control, hurt, force, parents power.
When they use the name of love which is not about love at all.

However, I feel pressure when I am with them.
I know, they don't really understand me. But that's okey, and that's normal when they think they know more than me, better than me.
I hoped they can understand me. However, now I don't really let this feeling made me too sad.



I have received useless and useful energy from them.
I wasn't aware of that, I didn't know how to filtrate those.
Recently I feel like I am kinda starting to wake up.
I didn't really think what I really want, and what's my talent.
I didn't think that the situations in my life are all created by myself. Well, I thought I knew but I wa sn't.
So my emotions could easily lead me and created situations I dislike even more.

I also realized that "distant" feeling is also created by myself.
And I also found that it's way much more difficult when I practice releasing those tension feelings related to them, especially my Mom.

In my memories, my Dad is always the one who guide me, and more rational and kind.
I feel more love from him.
As my mother, my memories told me that she is a emotional, irrational and selfish person, who always tried to make us feel guilty and play to be a victim.
However, I can understand now that her childhood could really made her into this. She is always in a unhappy mood. Her wound made her into a protective and insecure personality, and she thinks this is how world is.

Sometimes I felt really angry, but then I think of those reasons, I can feel more neutral toward her.
I don't want to be a person who can't free myself.
And I don't want to become a unhappy person.
I have to get back my master power to direct myself, my real self.

It's so amazing that when I type these things, my thoughts also run through what I am typing and feel healed and released.

I remember that Mom protected me from got hit, took care of me when I was ill, prepared food for me when I was young or when I am busy.
Perhaps I didn't feel good about all the way she has done.
I can understand now.

Dad and Mom, I love you.

Create a beautiful second, and use the same method to create a beautiful life.
You know you are your own master  :)